Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
