you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
