Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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