Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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