really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
