i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
