2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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