i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
