she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
