Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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