I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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