Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
