i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
