Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
