I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
