You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
