so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
