I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
