All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
