Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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