I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize