That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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