Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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