If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
