Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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