My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
