well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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