I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
