my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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