Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
