5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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