He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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