On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
