I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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