If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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