You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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