My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
