meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
