News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
