i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize