If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
