Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
