Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
