I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
