its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
