So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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