was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
