Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
