DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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