he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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