Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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