Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
