I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
