I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
