you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize