Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
