Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Bring me that man meat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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