Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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