Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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