After last night, I could never be a politician.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
