Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
